3 mindset lessons from my toughest Olympic moment

Advice

Toby jenkins in action for the Australian water polo team during the Athens 2004 Olympics.

Toby jenkins in action for the Australian water polo team during the Athens 2004 Olympics. Image: supplied

Toby jenkins in action for the Australian water polo team during the Athens 2004 Olympics. Image: supplied

By Toby Jenkins

Toby Jenkins is a UQ alum (Bachelor of Commerce '02), Olympian, executive coach, author and speaker.

As an Olympian, I used to think mindset was about being harder, tougher, stronger. I used to think it was about eliminating stress and pressure. I used to think it was about setting goals and chasing them.

It turns out I was way off.

At best, the science says, those strategies are only a third of what's needed.

It was like sitting on a one-legged stool and wondering why it felt wobbly.

The World Health Organisation-validated science of psychological flexibility says we don’t want to build people into brick walls of harder, tougher, stronger.

Because if you hit a brick wall hard enough with a sledgehammer, what happens?

It cracks.

In contrast, we want to build trampolines so we can absorb the hits and bounce back.

Absorb. Bounce back. Absorb. Bounce back.

Alex Osadchuk in action for Australia during the Athens 2004 Olympics.

Alex Osadchuk in action for Australia during the Athens 2004 Olympics. Image: Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

Alex Osadchuk in action for Australia during the Athens 2004 Olympics. Image: Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

Picture this. It’s 2004, Athens Olympics. I’m playing in the Australian Water Polo team – my dream come true.

It’s game 3: Australia vs Greece. The indoor stadium is packed. I’m in the middle of the pool and up on my right are 6,000 Greeks going berserk. It's a seething mass of Hellenic blue and white. The sound is deafening.

In the crowd are islands of green and gold Australian supporters decked head-to-toe in wigs, face paint and t-shirts. My family are there: mum, dad, my three sisters and brother. Friends have flown from Australia to watch.

It's a medal critical game. The winner stays in medal contention, the loser misses out.

We’re 30 seconds from half-time and leading by a goal. The Greeks miss a shot down our end and I start sprinting up the pool.

My goalkeeper launches the ball down the field. It sails over my head and lands on the water in front of me.

There’s me. The ball. And the Greek goalkeeper, 8 metres away.

I'm exhausted from already playing half of the most intense game of my life. At the same time, I'm absolutely jacked on the adrenalin and excitement of the moment.

This is the culmination of a roller coaster of 11 years of training, games, rejection, selection, injuries, recovery and chance.

All of which has led me to this opportunity to put us 2 goals ahead going into half-time.

My question for you is: What do you think goes through an Olympian’s mind in a moment like this?

Let me share.

Get me out of here.
I always miss these shots in training.
I always miss these shots in games.
I wish someone else was taking this shot.

I try to turn it around.

Hang on. You have to think positive.
This is your turn.
This is the Olympics.
Your family’s in the stand.
You can do it! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

I sprint in, pick up the ball, baulk once and shoot.

This story doesn't have a happy ending.

The Greek goalkeeper saves it.

I sink to the bottom of the pool, mortified I've missed this shot. I can't believe it. In water polo, this is one of those situations you're supposed to score.

As I come back to the surface, I look to my left and see one of my teammates. He's 4 metres away. He'd been screaming at me all the way up the pool but I hadn't heard a thing.

To make matters worse, I watch as the Greek goalie launches the ball the full length of the pool to one of his players.

They pick up, they shoot, they score.

Instead of being 2 goals up, we’re now even.

Any athlete will tell you about momentum. What it means to have it and what it means to lose it.

You may have experienced it yourself in different settings like in work, relationships or health. Of the wind being sucked from your sails.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those rise-from-the-ashes stories where I scored the winner later on. We lost the game and ended the Olympics in 9th position.

Did it all boil down to that one shot?

No, of course not. There were many moments of many games.

But some days it still feels like it.

The Australian water polo team in a huddle in the pool during the Athens 2004 Olympics.

Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about how we can operate in those kinds of high-stakes moments. And, equally importantly, how we can make the everyday choices that compound over time in invisible increments.

Enter the science of psychological flexibility and its core framework ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Training).

The evidence from over 1,000 randomised control trials suggests we need to develop 3 foundational pillars:

  1. Open Up
  2. Be Present
  3. Do What Matters

After 8 years of applying the research for myself and others as a performance coach, I wanted to help you build 3 practices to begin to develop your own psychological flexibility.

They have worked for Olympic gold medallists, global executives, elite soldiers, doctors, founders, pro-athletes, investors, teachers, entrepreneurs, parents, managers, frontline-staff and more, aged from 13 to 64.

And they just might work for you.

Open Up

Open Up is not about opening up to other people (although that may be an action that you choose to take).

Rather, Open Up is learning how to open up to the full range of our internal experiences - thoughts, feelings and sensations - both “positive” and “negative”. It’s about recognising them as a part of life rather than trying to control, get rid of or prevent them from happening in the first place.

Here’s an exercise to develop this.

Choose a challenging situation you’re facing. Then write down your answers to these questions:

  • When you think about that situation, what are the difficult or unhelpful thoughts that show up for you? What are you saying to yourself?
  • What are the difficult or unhelpful emotions that show up for you? What do you feel?
  • What are the difficult or unhelpful sensations that show up for you? Ie what are your physiological experiences (eg sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, shortness of breath)?
  • When you think about the difficult or unhelpful thoughts, feelings and sensations as an experience, where do you feel them in or around your body?
  • Do they have a shape?
  • Do they have a size?
  • Do they have a colour?
  • Do they have a texture?
  • Do they have a weight?
  • When you think about that as a whole experience, can you give it a name?

If you wrote down your answers you’ve just practiced a technique to support 'de-fusion'. Rather than 'fusing' with those tough experiences, writing them down can help us create space between us and our thoughts. By creating that space, we can see more options and recognise that we still have a choice of how we want to respond.

The final question of the list – giving your experience a name – is a technique called 'labelling', which can help us develop acceptance of that experience as a normal part of life.

Both of these techniques can help us to Open Up.

Be Present

We want to develop our ability to be present, in the moment. Not necessarily to feel good, but to recognise that even when our unhelpful experiences show up, we still have a choice of what we do and how we want to act.

My favourite tool for this is a single question:

  • What if this is the last time?

It asks us to come back to the present and also asks us who we want to be and how we want to act in this moment.

No single tool is perfect, but this one has definitely helped me when bedtime with my young daughters is feeling chaotic!

Do What Matters

Finally, we need to be clear on what is most important to us. That includes values, purpose, people and context so we can take committed action that leads us towards those things.

Try giving yourself 30 secondss for each of these questions to get to a first version:

  • What are your values?
  • Who is important to you?
  • What is important to you?
  • What is your purpose?
  • What would you willingly do for free?
  • What energises you?

It’s less about getting exact answers and more about the themes that emerge. This can help us to clarify direction and ultimately to do what matters in challenging situations.

Above all, we need to remember that there is no high without low, no triumph without trial, no love without suffering.

The fact that the tough stuff shows up doesn’t mean that we are weak, broken, inadequate or that something is missing.

It is because we care.

In fact, the more we care, the more likely it is to show up.

So, given we have such little control of the world around and inside us, psychological flexibility can help us take action towards our values, the people most important to us and the contribution that only we can make.

I hope these practices can help you on the journey as you develop psychological flexibility for yourself.

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