How to have healthier arguments

Conflict is an inescapable part of life. At home and at work, we all find ourselves at odds with others at one time or another.

But how healthy are your conflict habits? Do you find yourself frequently clashing with those in your orbit and struggling to understand why? Or wishing you could respond to conflict differently?

For the second instalment in our series ‘the self-checkout’, we’re tackling conflict with Dr Karyn Healy, Honorary Principal Research Fellow (Psychologist) at the UQ Parenting and Family Support Centre. She's an expert in conflict and bullying with over 30 years’ experience working with families, schools and other workplaces to resolve conflict. She also co-authored the Resilience Triple P program to address school bullying.

Here's her hands-on guide to healthier conflict.

Understanding our responses to conflict

Our default emotional responses to interpersonal conflict are our biological fight, flight and freeze reactions. These are evolutionary mechanisms that enable animals to survive threats to their safety. Humans have also always relied on being accepted by a group for survival, meaning non-physical conflict also represents the very real threat of rejection.

It's unsurprising, then, that social threats (like having others judge us) can generate similar physiological reactions to a physical threat – like elevated heart rate and racing thoughts. When our threat system is activated, the rational parts of our brain don’t function as well.

Conflict is present to some extent in all relationships – professional or personal. Resolving conflict can strengthen relationships, improve wellbeing and generate better ways of doing things. But poorly managed conflicts can spiral into protracted problems, increased distress, mental health problems and relationship breakdown.

The questions below invite you to reflect on how you handle conflict – in both personal and work situations.  

Ask yourself:
Do I strive for solutions that are good for both myself and others?

When there are different opinions, it is common to assume there will be a winner and a loser. However, ‘win-win’ is another possibility, where both people get what they want. To find a win-win solution, we need to step back from premature ‘solutions’ to really understand what each person needs.

For instance, you may suggest a restaurant because it is close and affordable, whereas your friend might suggest somewhere different because it has good vegetarian options. Although the suggestions for specific restaurants may seem very different, understanding the reasons they were chosen may enable you to find a restaurant with good vegetarian options that is also close and affordable.

Ask yourself:
Do I recognise and manage my emotions?

Have you found that, on some days, everyone around you seems difficult?

If you have a conflict at work, are you more likely to also have one at home the same day, and vice versa?

When we are feeling stressed, we’re more likely to get into conflict with others. We are more likely to misread others, and more likely to show non-verbal behaviour that is interpreted as a threat. So, to effectively manage conflicts, we need to be aware of how we feel and, when needed, take steps to improve our emotional health.

Ask yourself:
When there are problems, do I try to improve my understanding?

Being able to resolve a conflict relies on those involved reaching an understanding of each other’s needs and perspectives.

Do you make it easy for the other person to understand your situation by explaining what you need in a way that does not threaten them?

Do you try to understand the other person’s perspective by asking questions and really listening?

It’s helpful to consciously plan how we communicate to explain what we need, without triggering fight or flight responses in others.

Ask yourself:
Am I prepared to look at my role in this conflict?

Are you prepared to deeply examine your own contribution to a conflict, or even to change your behaviour?

Often each person involved has played a role in a conflict developing. To resolve conflict, we sometimes may need to face up to negative aspects of our own behaviour and be prepared to make changes.

Strategies to help you manage conflicts

1. Proactively involve others in decision making.

Involving others in decisions that will affect them can give each person a voice before strong emotions are triggered by problems. For instance, a new work team could discuss how to manage their workspace, and share resources, to support everyone’s needs.

Even if we can’t find a win-win solution, we may be able to find a compromise that meets at least some of each person’s needs. People are often happy to accept a compromise if they can see it’s fair and the best solution possible.

2. Take responsibility for your emotional health and wellbeing.

How we approach conflict is deeply connected to our emotional state. The way we experience different feelings affects how we interact with others and may generate misunderstanding and strong emotions. On the other hand, supportive relationships can help us manage our emotions, enabling better understanding and resolution of conflicts.

To give your relationships the best chance of success, it’s important to look after your general wellbeing and resilience by getting regular exercise, practising an effective sleep routine, and eating healthily. It’s also helpful to find effective ways to manage stress and strong emotions. Just focussing on something else or rethinking the situation can help; for instance, try imagining how a neutral person would view the conflict. Other practices that help in managing strong emotions are mindfulness, or talking to a loved one. If you are having trouble managing strong emotions, seek help from a GP or mental health professional.

3. Voice your needs without blaming or threatening the other person.

If we want someone to consider our perspective, we need to express ourselves without provoking a fight/flight/freeze response. ‘I-statements’ can help someone understand how what they do affects us, for example, “I feel distracted when there is online training conducted in our office pod.” Another approach (that may be more effective) is to simply discuss future management: “Next time, could we all book a room when conducting online training?”

4. Really listen to understand the other person’s perspective.

Conflict is often based on incorrect assumptions, so it’s critical that we really listen to understand the other’s perspective. Sometimes this reveals a misunderstanding that can be clarified.

Showing you’re listening (by looking, not interrupting, nodding etc.) will demonstrate to the other person you are considering their views. You could also try summarising what was said in your own words and checking you understood, for example, “So are you saying that ….?”

5. Be prepared to look at your own role in a conflict.

The more emotional and personal the conflict, the more difficult this can be. Addressing conflict is an opportunity to develop ourselves further, but this can be emotionally challenging.

Be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes, and learning is part of being human.

If you do recognise something you did wrong and can apologise sincerely, this can be very powerful in resolving conflicts.

6. Consider your willingness to resolve the conflict

Sometimes conflicts result in estrangement from others for good reasons – including bullying, abuse and other traumatic experiences. It is your decision whether to reconnect and resolve a conflict with a family member or friend with whom you have had a serious conflict. It is entirely up to you whether you choose to resolve a difficult ongoing conflict.

Simply consider if you are truly willing to resolve it – and be honest with yourself.

Whether or not you choose to reconnect, forgiving the other person is good for your own health.

7. Accept that you can only manage your own behaviour

In workplace relationships, you don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you do need to work with others in a courteous manner. So be polite and respectful – this in itself is likely to reduce tension.

Find ways to cope if others don’t agree to change behaviours that annoy you (e.g., get some noise cancelling headphones if you’re distracted). Seek help from managers if a co-worker is showing unacceptable conduct, and you have not been able to resolve this directly.

Sometimes we want to resolve a conflict, but the other person does not. If this is the case, there’s nothing left for us to do but accept their choice and try to move forwards.